Marsha’s first day at bartender school
From: Marsha
Sent: Monday, September 11, 2006 7:25 PM
Subject: my first night of class: hiLAR ious
I hooped and hollered all the way through, making a fool of myself and feeling like an absolute idiot! Naturally, I was 80 yrs. older than anyone else in the class and hey! WHO SAID THERE WAS NO MATH INVOLVED IN BARTENDING?! I have to learn to “free pour”—not using the jiggers but counting the pour. I was the first person he asked, “So, if I want to pour 2 oz, Marsha, what is my count?”
DUH. DUH AND ONE MORE DUH FOR THE RECORD. WAS A COMPLETE BLANK.
Couldn’t remember a THING –NOTHING. He had us behind the bar after maybe one hour of in-depth note taking and recipe reading and copying and lecture!
WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING—taking an accelerated class??? 40 hrs! I need a month to learn what I am supposed to know by TOMORROW! when was the last time I went to school? 1946? I must be certifiable.
I got behind the bar and my partner said, “I’d like a dry martini, please.”
TWO INGREDIENTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! TWO—AND I COULDN’T COME UP WITH ANYTHING BUT THE ICE.(not an ingredient).
8 hrs of class, and by the 7th hour, I could make a martini, a cosmopolitan and a screwdriver!!! Oh, help me, Jesus! I HAVE TO KNOW 40 BY HEART FOR FRIDAY’S FINAL.
Actually, I loved it. Truly and sincerely–I had a ball, laughing like a fool (AND–had forgotten my tooth, of course, so I was laughing like a gap toothed fool to boot), and spilling, dropping, and knocking over everything within reach.I was laughing so much that I peed on myself–which was great fodder for even more laughter.
But, here’s the reason I am writing: I AM SOLICITING BUSINESS CARD SUGGESTIONS (LOL)–aint that awful?
THE BARTENDING FOOL
TOP HAT BARTENDING
BREAKING THE ICE BARTENDING
MO BETTER BARTENDING????
I NEED CARDS, FOR SURE. THE TEACH SAYS DOING PRIVATE PARTIES IS A MUST DO AND SO MUCH MORE FUN AND PROFITABLE THAN SOME 9-5 GIGS (9-2??) HE ACTUALLY CALLS US HIMSELF FOR THE PARTIES AND THE JOBS. EVERYONE GETS A JOB. EVERYONE. EVEN ME! LOL LAWD HAVE MERCY.
I am absolutely certain that given my start–I will HAVE TO BE A SHINING SUCCESS AT THIS. IF NOTHING ELSE, MY PATRONS WILL LAUGH, IF NOT EVER ORDER AGAIN.
SERIOUSLY, YOU ALL KNOW HOW I AM ABOUT GETTING CARDS MADE–IMMEDIATELY—SO, PLEASE! SEND ME SOME SUGGESTIONS, OK?
THANKS.
GOING STUDY NOW.
AND–I DON’T THINK I HAVE EVER WANTED A DRINK SO BADLY IN MY LIFE.
I KEPT TELLING THE TEACHER, “LOOK. IF YOU WILL SIMPLY LET ME FIX ONE FOR MYSELF—THIS WILL GO A WHOLE LOT EASIER. FOR ALL OF US.” ALAS, ALAS…. IT’S ALL WATER…SIGH.
BUT, MY BAR IS REAL!!!! THANK GOD. GLUB, BUBBLE,POP…
NITE NITE! (NEXT WEEK, SALSA LESSONS, BTW)
This entry was posted on Monday, September 11th, 2006 at 11:41 pm. You can subscribe to comments on this post through its RSS feed.
on September 12, 2006 at 5:49 am AUNT MARSHA wrote:
Wow…now the world (well, Doug’s world) knows I have a bladder condition…ho hum. But, Hey! Since we’re all gathered around a common cause,I also am looking into logos for my new venture into bartending private parties and such.
Was thinking of …”Rolling Rocks BARTENDING” with the 3 ice cubes that subliminially spell SEX as my logo–y’all remember that? It may have been a Seagram’s ad. It was supposedly outlawed back when folks still went to the drive in. The words “BUY POPCORN” would flash at the bottom of the screen repeatedly-too fast for other than the subconscious to pick up on–but at intermission they sold out.Great book: Subliminal Seduction by…Key something or other.Exposed all the cock shots and many other advertising schemes on our unsuspecting psyches and wallets. Please, tell me someone else also read this.So, that’s what I’m thinking…a seductive logo and a double entendre type name….
I’m listening. Don’t be shy. You already know that I peed on myself—you can’t offend me now.
merci’.
Ole Aunt M.( but no Depends jokes!!!)
on September 12, 2006 at 7:08 am Doug wrote:
Marsha, we’ve got our best team on it. Scott’s a PR pro … Tom’s a graphic designer … and the rest of us are just plain weird.
I like the rolling-rocks concept. But is that a trademark? Maybe we can do something with a photo I have of you … I’ll try to find something appropriate.
on September 12, 2006 at 8:38 am Megan wrote:
I like “The Bartending Fool” myself, and I recommend a cartoon of yourself in a jester’s costume, juggling martini glasses, with the words “tumescent member”* subliminally woven into your cap.
*I recently scraped the bottom of the barrel, reading-wise, and attempted a smutty “sequel” to Pride and Prejudice, written by a self-described Texas Housewife with a wild streak. It was actually kind of entertaining for a while, but eventually the Pemberly-cum-Crawford language got to me (yeah, that makes no sense, but it sounded good, didn’t it?). Too many howbeits, hithertos and ’tis this and ’tis that (I mean, Jane Austen didn’t write like that, so why did this chick think she had to?). The tumescent members were tolerable, and I buy that Darcy would be better in bed than Bingley, but after the third kidnapping and attempted rape I just had to put it down.
on September 12, 2006 at 9:03 am Tom wrote:
Oh, Megan, have we got a stack of books for you! We help people self-publish their books, and some of them are truly magnificent examples of just the kind gripping drama you describe. Do you want me to bring a pound or two of them when I come?
on September 12, 2006 at 11:46 am Scott wrote:
All over it, Marsha! Will have to spend some quality time on “market research,” but my initial thinking is:
“Urethra Franklin”
on September 12, 2006 at 3:45 pm Dave Fourputt wrote:
How about:
“Bottoms Up Bartending”?
The business card has endless possiblities with that one.
on September 12, 2006 at 7:22 pm kip wrote:
http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/top_web_apps_in_brazil.php
kip
on October 31, 2008 at 3:30 pm Cats on the Windowsill » Blog Archive » Anything for Stats wrote:
[…] has really gotten pretty shameless about his posts. He’s taken to mining his e-mail for sensationalist tidbits to spice things up. Ever since he started keeping track of statistics, that’s all he thinks […]